Dear reader,
I’ve been taking myself way too seriously.
I went down a rabbit hole of marketing advice this week and ultimately lost the plot. I started obsessing over what would acquire the most views and subscribers or make it seem like I fit into some sort of
cool kid clique (if that exists).Yes, I want this newsletter to be of value to you. Yes, I want to acquire more subscribers. The more people that read my writing, the more possible it is that I make this a full time gig. And I really love writing to you, so I do hope this becomes a full time thing.
BUT the reason I started this newsletter, first and foremost, was because I was sick to death of doing work that didn’t mean anything to me. It was because I finally felt like there was something I could offer people that would matter, not as a financial exchange, but on a human to human level. I finally realized that being sensitive is not a flaw and that being vulnerable and honest about how I feel can actually make a difference in people’s lives.
I wanted a space to experiment and explore creatively in a community. A place to geek out about things that I love like tinned fish and surf rock, natural wine and incense, swimming in the ocean and being in love.
For most of my life, I have tried to bend and shrink myself into something that I thought other people would like. It’s why I spent so many years straightening my curls, restricting calories and putting concealer on my blemishes (I still do sometimes). It’s why I accepted very poor treatment from people who claimed to love me. It’s why my back is literally numb, from years of anxiety and tension, from bending to meet other people’s needs out of the fear that I wasn’t enough just by simply being myself (it might sound trite but it’s true).
I have done a lot of work to rewire, to come back home to myself and to stop trying to convince everyone to like me. But the work never really ends.
The hard part is accepting that I just might not be for everyone. It takes time to find your people but the reward is well worth the wait.
As much as I want a way out of restaurant jobs, I’d rather make minimum wage and feel artistically fulfilled than sell my soul for the chance to be a “successful” artist (realizing it is a privilege to have the option). I’d rather share something that makes you feel less alone by being completely honest than try to fabricate a version of myself that makes you think I’m something that I’m not.
AND I honestly believe that is the best thing I have to offer you.
So I’m going to keep exploring here, to experiment and play. I hope that just by being honest about where I’m at, you will feel okay about wherever you are.
I really hope there’s something here for you. If there’s not, no worries. But I’m going to try my hardest to stay true to myself.
A few other things:
I went through the archives and found every song I’ve shared on the newsletter so far and put them in a Spotify playlist for you. It was so fun to explore the past few months of this newsletter and my life through sound. I’ll keep adding as I go in case you want to follow along!
Also, this week on instagram, I asked friends for their favorite candles and got a ton of great recs. I compiled a list in case you’re also invested in upping your home scent game or just want to get someone a nice bougie candle as a gift (some of them are a little pricey).
Candle Gift Guide
P.F. Candle Co (specifically Golden Coast, Amber Moss, Sun Bloom & their incense selection)
Tatine (everything)
Nag Champa incense (an affordable classic)
Let me know what other scents you love in the comments!
Ah thank you so much! I actually thought I was already subscribed to you bc I’ve enjoyed a few of your pieces. I guess they were just linked in notes. Just subscribed so I don’t miss anything :)
- relate so hard to starting a substack for a place to be unapologetically myself and then... becoming one big walking apology again. Oops, and thanks for the reminder to reorient.
- very much looking forward to this playlist
- we have a shared love for natural wine and surf rock in common <3
Thanks for sharing