She’s coming out of pastry retirement. And by she, I mean me.
(scroll to the bottom for event details)
I don’t know what’s going on with me lately. Maybe it’s my personal grief. Maybe it’s the horrendous loss of life we’ve all been seeing on the news. Maybe it’s the general sense that a lot of this doesn’t really matter or maybe it’s that I just turned 30.
Whatever it is, I can’t physically bring myself to do shit I don’t care about anymore.
I quit Trader Joe’s. I quit because every day I felt a little piece of myself die at that check out stand. And it’s not because the work itself was bad. It’s because I took the job out of fear and obligation and not because it was the best thing for me. I was afraid I would run out of money. And I was afraid that my partner and parents and friends would be disappointed if I didn’t find a job sooner rather than later.
Everyday, I had to talk myself into going back there and everyday I felt more and more out of control of my own life. So, last week I walked in and went straight to the manager, sat her down and told her I couldn’t do it anymore. (Naturally, I then burst into tears and overshared about everything that had led me to that point.)
She was incredibly kind. I felt guilty and embarrassed, but something in my body just wouldn’t let me keep up the charade.
Through all of it, I couldn’t help but think about the conversation I had with my old boss Josh when I quit working for him at Damian to go work for Brigid at the vintage store.
I told him, it’s not fair to you that I stay here when my heart isn’t in it.
He responded, it’s not fair to yourself.
It’s still hard for me to believe that him and Brigid have both passed away since then, but it makes his words hold that much more weight.
It’s not fair to myself that I waste my life settling for circumstances that make me so unhappy. It’s not fair to myself that I act out of fear when the universe has shown me time and time again how capable I am of so much more.
The most I’ve felt like myself in the past few years was in January 2022. After yet another job burnout, I decided to throw a garage/bake sale in the front driveway of my apartment. I asked Max to make flyers which I taped up around the neighborhood. I invited neighbors to sell their own art and belongings and I baked an assortment of pastries in my tiny apartment kitchen and invited all my friends to come.
And they came!
I made a few hundred bucks that day which was a revelation in itself. But it was the fact that so many people showed up that made it feel like such a win. My craggy old driveway became a place to gather, eat treats, share art and connect.
I saw with my own eyes that I have the ability to create something of my own, something that is much bigger than me.
One of the people who happened by my driveway that day was the founder of Urban Farms LA. She raved about my cookies (which always makes me feel equal parts awkward and delighted). It’s one thing for your friends to hype you up. It’s another for a stranger to genuinely enjoy something you made.
Fast forward to this week, I was scrolling on instagram (procrastinating applying for new jobs) when I came across a story from Urban Farm’s LA asking if there were any bakers interested in selling pastries at a plant pop up sale they’re putting on next weekend in Silverlake.
I messaged back immediately.
When the universe nudges me like this, it helps me to believe that there might actually be another option, a path other than the one that keeps wearing me down (if I just have enough faith in myself to give it a shot). Maybe I can forge my own “career”, one that I can actually sustain because it’s something I genuinely care about. That would look like continuing to write, selling my goods and fostering community.
That’s the dream.
I realize that capitalism is pretty much fucked anyway you slice it. But if I have to play the game, I’ll be damned if I don’t do it my way.
I’m back in business baby! I’m popping up with Urban Farms LA for their mid-season plant sale + market. Come see me this weekend Saturday Dec 2nd at 1363 Lucile Ave in LA. Grab a treat and a plant and say hey! (Menu is tbd)
This is my favorite one yet. I admire your drive for joy and happiness. It’s contagious :)
So nice to read this. Hope it's a great event.